Cancer…the Great Equalizer

As I was looking back at the journal I kept during the early months of my recovery, I can clearly remember the profound pain that was coursing through me physically, mentally and emotionally. Am I better now, a little over a year later? Yes and no.

But, it’s important for me to share my thoughts from then as it helps me purge as well as may help others that still struggle and have difficulty finding their words….

“Cancer’s a motherfucker for sure.

It doesn't give two shits about who you are, how fit you were, your social status, your frame of mind and on and on and on.

It just loves to destroy.

Pile on top of this dark monster the wicked treatment that's life saving yet life altering.

I've been out of radiation and chemotherapy treatments now for over twelve weeks and not much better than when I completed everything.

I'm living with daily and nightly pain that never seems to stop. It's fucking mind numbing.

All of my friends that keep telling me, "You got this!" and "You're so strong", don't really understand the dark dynamics and torture of this fucking thing.

Everyday I cry from either physical pain, emotional distress or because my soul feels like it's on fire. It doesn't stop. The pain just doesn't stop.

Now at twelve weeks post treatment, besides the throat burning, non stop saliva and phlegm, and not laying flat to sleep for four months, I've developed neuropathy in my hands and feet from the chemotherapy.

That means my hands and feet have nerve damage and feel like I have pins and needles sticking in them.

Yippee! Let's see how much the human body and spirit can take, shall we?

Everyday I'm confronted, both mentally and emotionally, about my own mortality. I try to see the positive as Hilcia prompts me, but so many days I see only blackness. There are many days when the blackness calls and I wonder if I can keep living like this. No, I'm not going to kill myself, but the anguish of that emotional state pops in every so often.

Once again, the pain doesn't stop.

As I haven't been able to eat anything on my own and barely drink small amounts of water, I'm having a surgery this weekend to implant a tube into my stomach and pull out the one in my nose.

Another yippee to add in.

Like I said, cancer is a motherfucker and so is the treatment that follows.”